Okay. So yesterday I met up with an old friend and I found myself in the middle of this conversation which I want to share with you.
"So what actually is 'normal' ?" he says
"I don't actually know. All I know is that I, am not." I say.... "But who is?"
I have been traveling for 4 years now, lived in several amazing cities (New York, London, Tel Aviv, Paris, Hamburg) I've traveled to many places on long vacations (Italy, South of France, Greece, Spain, Switzerland, LA, NYC, Miami, Detroit...the list goes on). AND I have observed
LOVE in all of these places. There is only one constant I can observe that makes a difference in the success and prosperity of relationships; happiness.
SELF HAPPINESS.
I have come to realize, since I have done years of work on myself and find myself to be a genuinely happy person; with myself, my family, my friends, my past, my present, my future that I an not normal. I have been through my fair share of trauma and pain like everyone else, but I have taken the steps and alone time to get down and dirty with my true self to release these things in me that hold me back from really loving myself and my life.
My friend said - "My parents are going on 35 years now and I wonder how they do it... Most of my friends parents are divorced and so few of my married friends are happy. They envy me and my single life." I feel him. Lots of people envy me and my life but they don't know how much couch surfing, ramen noodles, and self help and never settling that I have done.
"Here's what I think is the problem; Our generation, our present situation, is SO full of distraction that no one ever spends time alone. I love to be by myself and that is only because when I was 19, I holed myself up in San Francisco in a studio apartment, alone, for a year and a half with no tv and no distractions from myself besides music and a sewing machine. I figured out that I enjoyed my own company, could keep myself happy and content without everyone and everything as influences, and hey! I actually liked myself. I cannot name many people our age (late twenties) who have done that OR who actually make themselves happy. We've got cell phones, and internet, facebook, myspace, blogging, twitter, cars, movies, drugs, sex, raves, airplanes, food...this list goes on forever. What about a little privacy? What about some sacred space. Just to enjoy life. Maybe to just chill out. Enjoy the sunshine. No one is happy because there are too many distractions that no one tries to figure out what they want to be. It's like someone tells you 'I'm this, this, and this.' But really, that's not who they really ARE. What they are is what they focus on and what they want to be - their love, their dreams, and yes their distractions (formerly known as hobbies). It's not about defining who you are, it's about defining what you like, what makes you tick and happy to tick, and what you are working towards being. And when you get there, then you're working towards something new. So you're never just this this and this. Your this, that, and whatever is next. We have to stop depending on other people to make us happy. If WE make OURSELVES happy then we meet another 'happy in their self' person and we can enjoy life together and possibly develop a love that goes on into the horizon. I find so many people saying to each other and close ones - I can't make her or him happy. Well, that's not your job! That's their job. And until we realize we all need to turn the power of electronics off and turn the light on our insides on, that life with another person forever is just not even a remote possibility. Be nicer to yourself. Don't be so hard. It's over now, you're still alive...move on and show yourself some love, guys! We should inspire people but we should never have to be someones happy factor. That is not fair and it's not reality. Let's all try to learn who we are, who we want to be, let go of all the shit that sucked that came before...hold onto the lesson with a smile and learn to BE GRATEFUL, and most importantly love ourselves. And then get married and procreate. If we keep settling and marrying someone who is willing to try and 'make us happy', it will only end with divorce and miserable children and just another ball of pain to work through. It starts with us and our willingness to exist in the moment and love who we are. If we realize just how much we actually have, then we can start giving a bit away and give more of the meaningful stuff to ourselves and then to others. The ability to let go of what hurts and focus on what heals. And the ability to believe in true love and not have sex on the first date. We should only be (as hard as it is) in sexual relationship with people who we like and who we know loves themselves and other people wholeheartedly and how about are good - just plain old good people!" Look, I'm not perfect but I have a vision and nothing gets in the way of it or in the way of me loving myself and friends and family.
I think it's the ultimate good deed; To love yourself.
I read this article once about a woman happily experiencing her second marriage and it changed my entire view on relationships. She said her first marriage was like a three ring circus. Everyone was invited to the show and EVERYONE had an opinion. The thing is, in relationships, the more we complain to our moms, dads, brothers, sisters, cousins, friends, and yes strangers!, the less they like our partners or want us to be with them. Instead of going right to the source to solve problems, we get everyone else involved to the point to where we look crazy if we stay with that person.
She said her second marriage was like a private club. Two members only, ever. And that this club is like going into another planet and into another amazing world. It's sacred because no one knows about it and they NEVER talk about it - only those two people know it - and everything goes on in there. There's a dark corner for battle of course but for the most part is an adventure land of fun and mystique, love and wildness. And how beautiful is that? I mean this could be why our grandparents die without each other. Because to not be able to go into that club, that space of freedom and pure love, is like to not live. BUT maybe experiencing life to that degree isn't for everyone. I can't see why someone wouldn't want that experience besides fear but hey this is just my opinion. And again, I must reiterate that we must love ourselves in order to ever even have the chance at owning a club like that. We are all a work in progress and we have all had pain. IT'S OKAY. Time to let it go and spread the love...for you to you!
Get on it! AND LOTS OF LOVE TO YOU!!!
xoxox
m
